Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch (brightlotusmoon) wrote,
Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch
brightlotusmoon

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Spears and pain monsters

When I woke up, I had more energy than usual, so I put it to use. I went for a walk, I read fiction voraciously, I wrote stories like a brain on fire.

I did stuff with the energy I had. Now I am drained. Damn it. I don't use the spoon analogy anymore. I use spears. I have only so many spears to aim and throw at all my syndromes and disabilities, and I am about to run out. Also most of the spears need polishing.

See, it is easier for me to think of weapons with which to battle or pacify my medical conditions. Spears work more visually in my mind. The spoon theory is a lovely analogy, but it never really worked for my brain. I am used to moving through my disabilities with a stabby stabby process, and I find that aiming and hurling stick-like objects helps me focus emotionally, and also spears make good walking sticks. So, I have the Spear Theory. I have a certain amount of spears that I wake up with every day, give or take a couple of handfuls. The more spears I start with, the better I feel and the more energy I have. Every time a symptom strikes, I take aim with one spear, even two or more. The more spears I hurl, the fewer I have left, and the closer the Syndrome Monsters come toward me. As the Syndrome Monsters get closer, I get weaker, and any leftover spears turn into melee edged weapons instead of melee ranged weapons. But by the time I charge into battle, my body is struggling, and I can only do so much. Even if I have just one spear left, I am going to make it count, as I fly into a bloody rage with all the meager strength I have left. Just one more step, and then I can fall over. Just one more spear.

Spoons say, "I have only THIS MUCH reservoir energy and strength for this one day, and once it is gone that is it! Too weak, I'm too weak to make it to tomorrow."
Spears and weapons say, "Okay, motherfuckers, I'm going to take the day as much as I can, I am going to run and attack and defend until I'm drained and exhausted, and then I'm going to crawl, and then I'm going to ask someone to carry me, and when I am finally done, then I will collapse willingly. CHARGE."
It's the Boadicea method of dealing with illness. Probably why Enya's "Boadicea" is a favorite song of mine.

I've got a few left. I'm going to use those spears wisely, even if it has to be close combat. Go me, go me, go go go...
Tags: body, cerebral palsy, chronic pain, energy, exercise, fatigue, fibromyalgia, pain management, spears
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